Friday, June 25, 2010

Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

--Colin Hay

I’m working on being patient. I’m working on trusting that everything will work itself out. I’m not perfect at doing either of these things, but I am trying to be better.

The past week or so has been a test of my patience. No, nothing exciting happened, which I suppose was precisely the problem. We’re waiting for Johnny. At the same time, I’ve been waiting for a better job. I’ve been waiting since well before graduating six months ago. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to move home for almost three years. Heading into the third trimester, the ability to travel for interviews is concerning. Not to mention, the odds of being hired at this point in the pregnancy probably are slim.

I worry about leaving Johnny with strangers. I worry about finding trustworthy caretakers on our second shift schedules. I worry about affording child care. In a perfect world, we’d be back home and I’d have family I could trust him to.

Yet, maybe this is where I’m meant to be for now. If I stay put, I at least have some sick/vacation time built up for maternity leave. I’m not trying to play Pollyanna and put a positive spin on an otherwise stressful situation. Instead, I’m trying to find the patience to accept the blessings I do have. I’m trying to focus on the joy in my life. I’m trying to quit waiting for my real life to begin and instead enjoy the life I am leaving.

It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
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